Just listen to your heart beat...

day dreams

2008-04-14T01:17:21Z

I had the most overwhelming urge to walk home from work today in my underwear. I wanted to take my work pants off, and just walk home like that. I don't really know why, it just sounded like an awesome idea. I don't feel the need to liberate, or express myself, just simply walk home without any pants on.

I've also been having some very strange day dreams lately. I'll be standing at work, and all of the sudden I'm drowning in some pool of black water. Or I was laying down watching tv and suddenly I was sinking into my bed, like quick sand. I don't do drugs, so I really don't have an explanation for any of this, it just seems to keep happening. strange.

for the photo friends of mine, i'm considering buying a nikon d40x it's tiny and amazing but I'm just not sure.

Hmm. I need a new camera though, I have stuff to do!

my head's hanging so low, i'm kicking it when i walk down the road

2007-12-18T06:16:14Z

i think i'm gonna cry...
but i'm gonna laugh about it all in time.

i know i'm gonna cry,
but i'm gonna laugh about it all in time.

life's tough,
get a helmet.
HA!
jesus i need a vacation.

i'm all over you, i'm not over you.

2007-12-03T04:24:32Z

I need my friends.
I adore them and I want to be surrounded by whatever is making me this happy all the time.

THIS life is worth living,
and nothing less.

friends, oh friends.

2007-10-27T00:50:16Z

it's come to my attention that the majority of people in my life suck more than i think i can handle right now.

i'm tired of being disappointed by the people i care for, and don't care back. i'm sick of giving everything i have, and not having it be enough.

where do two people's levels of satisfaction ever meet, and stay happy together? when can we stop picking each other apart, and love what is in front of us, every little piece?

i am eternally gratefull for those i have, and even those i have lost. because sometimes even if things go bad, the impression left by the good never is forgotten. i hope those of you who aren't in my life anymore are doing well, i really do.

those who are, cheers & i love you more than you know.
what we are makes each other.

Oh Wow.

2007-01-13T03:06:06Z

i don't even want to figure out how long it's been since i've written anything here, but i guess i'm just like everyone else.. you come back to it just to see who actually writes & keeps it up.

if in the event that anyone actually reads this,
i suppose a little update would be in order.
i've come to the conclusion that living on my own,
away from family & boring stuff like the town i grew up in,
is exactly what i wanted it to be.
on the other hand, chicago just isn't the place i feel most comfortable.
i need to be somewhere 1. not so cold, 2. less black people 3. not chi.
SO that all equals me moving again. either to LA or SF, which hasn't been
decided yet. it all depends on school & what is best for me education wise.

my lovely boyfriend and i get to celebrate our 1 year soon,
so that should be fantastic. 1 year as in, not
like the people who pretend they've been together
for a year but really have broken up a bunch.

1 year strong.
it's been fun.
hoorah & more to come.
:] i'm still in love.

glitterbullet @ 2006-07-25T23:38:00

2006-07-26T06:43:37Z

this feels weird.
sitting down to write in my livejournal.

it's the same weird i felt
when i was younger
and i used to pray..
i felt weird because i'd only
do it when i felt i needed something
that i couldn't obtain on my own.

or when i wanted something
to go the way i wanted it to..

i feel weird now in the sense that
i only come here to write
when i've run out of the words
needed to speak with another person.

things always sound different when
speaking out loud and just writing.

anyway.
i don't know what the cause of my real frustration is
but i know i have a lot of it.
and it angers me further that i can't figure it out.
but that's what i am.
frustrated.
with myself
and my complete lack of...
being. i feel like i'm wasting
whatever is that i've been given.
does that make sense?
i hope it does to someone...

can i just be something..

2006-03-19T01:33:42Z

..somewhere in your room.

i have to admit, life is one big extreme roller coaster.
i've never really felt that way until now.
i'm losing the most influencial person of my life,
yet gaining someone just as important.

i wish this was the type of loss i've
witnessed in jr. high with friends,
but death is not a light, easily forgotten
issue. it even hurts my fingers writing about it.

[letting go is my life..
i'll be on my way.]

god, sometimes i just feel like dying.
closing my eyes so tight that it would
make my heart explode and i'd never
open them again. i can't live without
the only person that, i know for a fact,
cared for me more than anything.

[i'm learning ways to not feel]

i have to go.
there's no point in
writing when you're
crying too hard to think.

anthony michael gioradano,
i love you.
you've been an amazing role model,
and the most supportive godfather
a girl could ever ask for.

i'm not ready for you to leave yet...
i don't think i ever will be.

let it go

2006-02-26T07:24:11Z

I feel better, I feel better now you've gone.
I got better, I got better, I got strong.
I feel better, I feel better now there's nothing wrong.
I got better, I got better, I got strong.

Tell me something, tell me something I don't know,
Tell me one thing, tell me one thing, let it go.

I got something, I got something heaven knows,
I got something, I got something I don't know

Redemption

2006-02-25T05:27:53Z

i can honestly say,
heaven must really want me to be happy.
i have some people in my life right now,
some that have been there forever,
some that are new,
but they're here now,
and i honestly feel like i'm okay.
yeah, its been awhile.

isn't it amazing, how the song remains unchanged?

i'm a creep

2006-02-19T22:25:24Z

LA DI DAAAAA

just thought i'd get that out of my system.
i'm doing pretty well today.
granted, my weekend has sucked sorta.
except for last night.
my boys had a show, and i proudly watched/taped
the entire thing. YAY FOR FINISH HIM♥
i love those guys with all my heart.
...
i think i'm getting sick.
i've been sneezing and sore
throat ish all day today.
plus it's just that time of year.
...
i don't know about anyone else,
but i'm really enjoying the weather.
not only because i'm a broke teenager,
and the rain has washed my car,
but because it's just what i'm
comfortable in. so yeah.
...
my godmother and god daughter
are here this weekend, and boyyyy what
a freaking task. she's almost 3 and ON FIRE.
NON STOP. but it's okay, i love my little bean.
i think i'm going out to lunch today with my
familia. sooo i guess i'll cut this short
and go get dressed. oh man, i'm a bum.
...

♥♥

verbal vomit.. reader's discretion is advised.

2006-02-16T05:02:12Z

everybody knows that something's wrong,
but nobody knows what's going on.

alright so today has been unlike any other.
well duh, every day is like that.
but this is really different.

i can't seem to pinpoint what it is that drives me so clinically insane, but i think i'm getting close. today was a breakthrough, vince and i are completely over, sad but true.. but i had to make sure that there was no confusion on the subject, and that felt good. not because we're not together, but because for once, i know exactly where i stand. i can't say that for much of anything else, so it felt good.

i've always known that i'm quick to forgive but not as quick to forget, and that needs to change as well. i need to be consistant. i'm sorry for the past few weeks julia, if you don't know what for, call me. i'll tell you.

oh. and thank you to a certain someone.
for everything. you truly are one of the few that make me feel okay when everything else seems to turn against me.

i guess this is just a bunch of crap, so i'm going to end it here.
let me just say this,
value the relationships you know will not end,
and the reward for your effort will be just that,
never ending love and support from the people that
know you care.

i♥you.

take a pill and swallow it..

2006-02-13T06:47:40Z

i must say, life has been a bit awkward lately.
it went from really happy & exciting & loving to chaotic & weird.
my friends are sort of dividing for more reasons than what seems possible, and i guess the same goes for my feelings toward just about everything. sometimes i'm highly motivated and feel very in control, which is unusual for me, then other times i feel like my entire body is coming unglued from the last time i fell apart.

work is hard, school is easy. the two have me so off balance it's really beginning to throw me off course. drugs are fucking stupid and so is drinking and smoking and anything to do with any of that. i hate whoever does it, thus the reason i'm losing so many friends. i hate what they do to people, and how they make people act, and i hate the weakness in people that do it even more than the drug itself.

i hate how i'm angry at something all the time. i can't relax and that makes me even more angry. but the only thing that makes me feel a little better is the fact that it can't last forever. and in my case, it won't. whatever it is that's bothering me is going to be left behind me once i get my chance to break away from it all. seeing that that is the point of leaving anyway.

well i guess i'm done babbling for now.
i'm exhausted and mad at the fact i can't hang out with my valentine on tuesday. i will though, i will!
peace♥

my heart has thawed and still continues to beat

2006-02-10T00:26:11Z

i don't know how many people really read this. but here i go anyway..

i've been thinking. and i want to rewind back to this time last year. maybe a week previous to this. the one time in my life i felt completely whole. i met the funniest guy in the universe and totally liked him, dana and i were still friends and so excited for her birthday, my mother promised me to stop smoking & drinking [see how long that lasted..], taylor faye still lived here, and not even clouds could make my days sad or sorrowful.

in a way, it disturbs me that i so desperately want to be back in time, knowing what i'd still have to go through to get where i am now. and honestly, i wouldn't go through it again. it's been one of the roughest years i've faced as far back as i can remember. but i've faced an amazing amount of growth. and i am thankful for that, no matter how hard it was at the time. look at me, i'm ready to move half way across the country and leave everything i've wanted to hold on to.

but that's why i'm leaving.
i don't want to hold on anymore.
i want to hold onto myself,
and learn to need myself,
not what others offer me.

i want my friends to know i love them,
i want my father to know just thinking about what he's done for me makes me sick with guilt, because i haven't done anything to repay him.
i want my brother to know that i'm here, even though i'm not, because knowing what he's going to face as he gets older, there is no way i'd be anything but there for him.
i want my mother to know that she is about 75% of the reason i'm leaving, and i hope that makes her incredibly upset. but it won't. so i'm leaving anyway.
i want you to know i'll always be thinking of you.
and i wish you the best for the rest of your life.

peace♥

i'm caught in suspension

2006-02-07T00:16:52Z

saaaaayyyy anythinnnnnnnggggg
but say what youuuuu meaaaaaan

hey guess what..
ahaha i wont tell.
:x

To You Guys..

2006-01-19T00:10:49Z

When everything is wrong I'll come talk to you
You make things alright when I'm feeling blue

You are such a blessing and I wont be messing
With the one thing that brings light to all of my darkness

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

There is no other one who can take your place
I feel happy inside when I see your face
I hope you believe me
Cause I speak sincerely
and I mean it when I tell you that I need you

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

I'm here right beside you
I will never leave you
and I feel the pain you feel when you start crying

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do

You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do
Yes I do...
Yes I do

Unbreak Broken itwon'thappen

2006-01-08T23:22:22Z

i'm sort of at a loss of what to say,
the past few days have been such a dramatic
mixture of good & bad i'm not sure how
it's left me feeling.

i do know that being grounded can't last forever,
therefore i'm almost done. hopefully.
all things come to an end.

yeah i dont really know what
the point of this entry is.
i guess im just bored or something.

i have work tonight,
its been killing me.
he refuses to schedule 2
hostesses now.. he thinks
i can do it all on my own.
ajfghadfg;hadfg.
the end

we're not all bad

2006-01-05T03:36:26Z

My legs are shaking
As I stare into the waking
Guess I always knew
You were broken on the inside
Watched life passing you by
But you couldn't move
And no one stopped to ask you

If it was okay
Surely there had to be a way to smile
again

Pale familiar faces remind me
We weren't always strangers
Burying a friend
Remember the year we all spent laughing
Feels guilty to feel happy
It never should
But I didn't stop to ask you

If it was okay,
Surely there had to be a way
To feel okay,
Surely there had to be a way

To smile again
To let life in
Through the closet closed
Heaven from our souls

I'm okay
Surely there had to be a way
Okay
Surely there had to be a way
Okay
Okay

But he doesn't know..

2006-01-02T22:48:12Z

... i'll never leave his side

rocky times lately yeah? ad;fghadgf.
i can't, and don't want to even begin to explain what's been going on lately. it's been difficult and that's about all you need to know. I wish i could just say it's the boy, or my car, or something stupid like that. but it just isnt that simple.

all i know is tonight i'm going to dinner at samantha's house with my family & theirs and when that happens, all seems to be right in the world. I love the Gianetti's. end of that story.

but who am i to ask for this?
i'll be your ignition,
turn me on.

school starts tomorrow. & in a way im happy for it. I haven't been able to see anyone all break, so I'll at least get to see Hailey, taylor, kevin, julia, sally, enid, jenn lee♥, and a ton of other people i've missed. alain, jake, jala, JAVIER IS COMING BACKKKKK!!! in like.. 3 weeks :-D YAYYYYYYY♥

so yeah. i guess i am happy about school. and the fact that finals are soon & i can drop all my hard classes. hahaha.

that's all for now i suppose,
peace♥

eager to learn, be taught, and teach..

2005-12-29T20:15:40Z

what is happening.

fuck.

luckily she still can't stand the sight of a boy...

Little Latin Lupe Lu♥

2005-12-29T05:21:38Z

AGh;oafidhadfhadh/
I have been in this crazy//silly mood all day. I've been out of control psycho wanting to dance everywhere I go. I have the same two songs playing in my head over and over again. Mitch Ryder & the Detroit Wheels - Jenny Take a Ride && Rod Stewart - Stay With me. I don't know what has happened in the past 24 hours to make me happy, [of all things...] but I freaking LOVE IT. I think it may be the oysters I ate for dinner, but I felt like this before dinner.. so maybe it was pre-seafood happiness. Haha. Idk..

Tonight was weird, I went to starbucks with some cool kids.. but it was quiet and weird. Dunno how much I like that..

JENNY JENNY JENNY WONT YOU COME ALONG WITH ME JENNY JENNY WOOOOO JENNY JENNY
i love mitch ryder. rawrrr♥

yikess

2005-12-26T04:10:48Z

so um.
long story short:

this christmas season was sort of a bust.
i crashed my car & my family is out of control.
i wanna run away.

home is where you hang yourself

but that's it pretty much.
other than that i need to thank chad, eric, tina and justin.
you really made me feel so much better about all this.
thank you♥

Stare into the eyes of Love.

2005-12-23T20:45:00Z

[We'll go
so far
you'll see
it's not hard.]

I happen to love the Early November. Mannnn I have work today. bbbust. Actually, it's sort of an escape for me now that I'm on restriction. Friday nights are always my favorite though, I work with some cool people. Michelle is my favorite :] we're the BOSS. just ask her haha.

[they say that we chase dreams that don't exsist..]

Today I need to get a lot done, so I don't know why I'm still sitting here. But oh well. Tomorrow is Christmas eve. that's crazy. I can't wait for this year to be over. I'm ready to start over. And seeing that me and Eric's 1 month starts the year off, literally [January 1st], I think Ill start over on a good foot.

[let's set our hearts at self-destruct]\

I suppose that's all for right now. I'm in a weird mood.. last night too, but I'm definitely better than last night. Okay. so ummm

the end♥

my American boy back in the States♥

2005-12-23T05:09:55Z

I love how I have a terrible day, I see my boyfriend, I'm still feeling a little bad, I see my best friend, feeling better... then I get a surprise visit from Justy and my boy && i feel wonderful. These past few days have been tough and it seems that it takes a lot to make me happy right now. Things really aren't getting any better here. I feel horrible all the time [stupid guilt trips.] and now doing all the things I hate doing sort of appeal to me. Escaping at a time like this is pathetic, but needed. I don't care how badly I disappoint myself anymore.. it couldn't be worse than what I've done to my parents.

never gonna get it right.
you're never gonna it.

I'm watching my brother hold my cat. and I can't help but wish she was the size of my dogs or something. I want to hug her and have her hug me back. She's the only living thing I've told everything to, and it kills that I never get a satisfying, closure-like hug back from her. I sort of miss Dana. I've been thinking about her a lot lately. and how much of my life she was. I try to think of all the times I felt the happiest - but I keep drawing blanks. I choose to forget anything that has to do with her, consequently I've forgotten nearly 7 years of my life. This sucks. For those of you who still have their very best friend - don't let them go. Life sort of falls apart without them.

is that was you call a get away? tell me what you got away with, you left the freys from the ties you severed when you said bestfriends means friends ~~forever~~

aflguhafgfg.
this day needs to end.

Imprisonment.

2005-12-22T04:29:53Z

I'm being held captive in the one place that makes me the most uneasy: my own home.

I can't say that it isn't my fault, because it is. But the extent at which they've taken my punishment is a little obsurd. Seeing that I rarely cause trouble, I think a mild punishment and maybe a forced apology would suffice. But no. Not in this house. That slides with my brother, but not with me. I "should know better". Well I do, and I know enough to be able to give myself my own punishments. And being held under the intense security of my room is a little over the line.

I know I hurt her, inside and out. I know she deserved it, just as much as I did. but why isn't she in trouble? My whole life has been at her feet, begging for her mercy, yet never being the slightest bit recognized. The validity of what she says isn't even strong enough to pass as Mother's judgement. She's insane and rediculously out of control. The pain she has caused me isn't even comparable to what I did. No amount of physical pain that I could cause would ever hurt as much as everything she's done to me. I've fought so hard to believe that she has nothing to do with me, and that she hasn't completely ruined any chance I have at having my own life & dreams. I'm getting very tired of fighting for myself.. but I can't and won't let her win.

That's all for now.
Other than I need everyone to know for the 8th year in a row, I'm grounded over my Christmas break.
the end.

The Claim of Love

2005-12-19T20:27:17Z

YAY. Last night was cool. I got to see Marcus and everyone.. I missed Stephen & Javi, and Eric. But afterwards I went to Eric's house & we watched Jackass [my first time seeing it] and just hung out. I don't think I've ever felt like things were so serene. It's like the entire world was peaceful and I could breathe without a worry or a care. See what I mean? He makes everything disappear. I came home an hour late, and my parents were mad for about 5 minutes, then they went back to sleep. They told me I was on restriction & all that.. which I haven't been on since maybe freshman year. So, I'd like to see how long that lasts.

Today, I'm going to the Grove in LA. Hopefully I can get some Christmas shopping done. I get to hang out with Spring and Vito though, two of the coolest people on the planet. We're on a team against my mom sometimes & it's fun [generally when we go on vacations]. OH! OH! I got the new Anthropologie catalog this morning *BIG SMILES* [that means I get new art for my wall in my room & I get to pick out Christmas things] HAHA!! Tina told me she saw Shawn.. if anyone knew me when I was with him, you'd understand the importance of this. Apparently, all my ex's decided to gain weight. I love that. Fatty mc Fattersons :]

blahblah. I feel like I'm rambling.
I feel like I love Eric Warner.
oohhh. yes. I do :]
i just want to be someone you know
the end♥