| day dreams |
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| 06:12pm 13/04/2008 |
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I had the most overwhelming urge to walk home from work today in my underwear. I wanted to take my work pants off, and just walk home like that. I don't really know why, it just sounded like an awesome idea. I don't feel the need to liberate, or express myself, just simply walk home without any pants on.
I've also been having some very strange day dreams lately. I'll be standing at work, and all of the sudden I'm drowning in some pool of black water. Or I was laying down watching tv and suddenly I was sinking into my bed, like quick sand. I don't do drugs, so I really don't have an explanation for any of this, it just seems to keep happening. strange.
for the photo friends of mine, i'm considering buying a nikon d40x it's tiny and amazing but I'm just not sure.
Hmm. I need a new camera though, I have stuff to do! |
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| i'm all over you, i'm not over you. |
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| 08:22pm 02/12/2007 |
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I need my friends.
I adore them and I want to be surrounded by whatever is making me this happy all the time.
THIS life is worth living,
and nothing less. |
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| friends, oh friends. |
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| 05:45pm 26/10/2007 |
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music: magnet - heaviest heart
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it's come to my attention that the majority of people in my life suck more than i think i can handle right now.
i'm tired of being disappointed by the people i care for, and don't care back. i'm sick of giving everything i have, and not having it be enough.
where do two people's levels of satisfaction ever meet, and stay happy together? when can we stop picking each other apart, and love what is in front of us, every little piece?
i am eternally gratefull for those i have, and even those i have lost. because sometimes even if things go bad, the impression left by the good never is forgotten. i hope those of you who aren't in my life anymore are doing well, i really do.
those who are, cheers & i love you more than you know.
what we are makes each other. |
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| Oh Wow. |
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| 06:57pm 12/01/2007 |
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mood:  amused music: wolf parade = dinner bells
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i don't even want to figure out how long it's been since i've written anything here, but i guess i'm just like everyone else.. you come back to it just to see who actually writes & keeps it up.
if in the event that anyone actually reads this,
i suppose a little update would be in order.
i've come to the conclusion that living on my own,
away from family & boring stuff like the town i grew up in,
is exactly what i wanted it to be.
on the other hand, chicago just isn't the place i feel most comfortable.
i need to be somewhere 1. not so cold, 2. less black people 3. not chi.
SO that all equals me moving again. either to LA or SF, which hasn't been
decided yet. it all depends on school & what is best for me education wise.
my lovely boyfriend and i get to celebrate our 1 year soon,
so that should be fantastic. 1 year as in, not
like the people who pretend they've been together
for a year but really have broken up a bunch.
1 year strong.
it's been fun.
hoorah & more to come.
:] i'm still in love. |
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| 11:38pm 25/07/2006 |
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mood: quiet music: Umbrellas
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this feels weird.
sitting down to write in my livejournal.
it's the same weird i felt
when i was younger
and i used to pray..
i felt weird because i'd only
do it when i felt i needed something
that i couldn't obtain on my own.
or when i wanted something
to go the way i wanted it to..
i feel weird now in the sense that
i only come here to write
when i've run out of the words
needed to speak with another person.
things always sound different when
speaking out loud and just writing.
anyway.
i don't know what the cause of my real frustration is
but i know i have a lot of it.
and it angers me further that i can't figure it out.
but that's what i am.
frustrated.
with myself
and my complete lack of...
being. i feel like i'm wasting
whatever is that i've been given.
does that make sense?
i hope it does to someone... |
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| can i just be something.. |
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| 05:18pm 18/03/2006 |
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mood: lost music: armor for sleep
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..somewhere in your room.
i have to admit, life is one big extreme roller coaster.
i've never really felt that way until now.
i'm losing the most influencial person of my life,
yet gaining someone just as important.
i wish this was the type of loss i've
witnessed in jr. high with friends,
but death is not a light, easily forgotten
issue. it even hurts my fingers writing about it.
[letting go is my life..
i'll be on my way.]
god, sometimes i just feel like dying.
closing my eyes so tight that it would
make my heart explode and i'd never
open them again. i can't live without
the only person that, i know for a fact,
cared for me more than anything.
[i'm learning ways to not feel]
i have to go.
there's no point in
writing when you're
crying too hard to think.
anthony michael gioradano,
i love you.
you've been an amazing role model,
and the most supportive godfather
a girl could ever ask for.
i'm not ready for you to leave yet...
i don't think i ever will be. |
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| let it go |
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| 11:23pm 25/02/2006 |
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mood:  creative music: radiohead♥
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I feel better, I feel better now you've gone.
I got better, I got better, I got strong.
I feel better, I feel better now there's nothing wrong.
I got better, I got better, I got strong.
Tell me something, tell me something I don't know,
Tell me one thing, tell me one thing, let it go.
I got something, I got something heaven knows,
I got something, I got something I don't know |
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Read 2 - Post |
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| Redemption |
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| 09:22pm 24/02/2006 |
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mood:  calm music: Josh Kelley - Home To Me
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i can honestly say,
heaven must really want me to be happy.
i have some people in my life right now,
some that have been there forever,
some that are new,
but they're here now,
and i honestly feel like i'm okay.
yeah, its been awhile.
isn't it amazing, how the song remains unchanged? |
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| i'm a creep |
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| 02:20pm 19/02/2006 |
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mood: content music: radiohead :]
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LA DI DAAAAA
just thought i'd get that out of my system.
i'm doing pretty well today.
granted, my weekend has sucked sorta.
except for last night.
my boys had a show, and i proudly watched/taped
the entire thing. YAY FOR FINISH HIM♥
i love those guys with all my heart.
...
i think i'm getting sick.
i've been sneezing and sore
throat ish all day today.
plus it's just that time of year.
...
i don't know about anyone else,
but i'm really enjoying the weather.
not only because i'm a broke teenager,
and the rain has washed my car,
but because it's just what i'm
comfortable in. so yeah.
...
my godmother and god daughter
are here this weekend, and boyyyy what
a freaking task. she's almost 3 and ON FIRE.
NON STOP. but it's okay, i love my little bean.
i think i'm going out to lunch today with my
familia. sooo i guess i'll cut this short
and go get dressed. oh man, i'm a bum.
...
♥♥ |
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| verbal vomit.. reader's discretion is advised. |
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| 08:54pm 15/02/2006 |
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mood: stupid. really really stupid. music: phantom planet - anthem
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everybody knows that something's wrong,
but nobody knows what's going on.
alright so today has been unlike any other.
well duh, every day is like that.
but this is really different.
i can't seem to pinpoint what it is that drives me so clinically insane, but i think i'm getting close. today was a breakthrough, vince and i are completely over, sad but true.. but i had to make sure that there was no confusion on the subject, and that felt good. not because we're not together, but because for once, i know exactly where i stand. i can't say that for much of anything else, so it felt good.
i've always known that i'm quick to forgive but not as quick to forget, and that needs to change as well. i need to be consistant. i'm sorry for the past few weeks julia, if you don't know what for, call me. i'll tell you.
oh. and thank you to a certain someone.
for everything. you truly are one of the few that make me feel okay when everything else seems to turn against me.
i guess this is just a bunch of crap, so i'm going to end it here.
let me just say this,
value the relationships you know will not end,
and the reward for your effort will be just that,
never ending love and support from the people that
know you care.
i♥you. |
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| take a pill and swallow it.. |
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| 10:39pm 12/02/2006 |
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mood:  crappy music: mirah - la familia
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i must say, life has been a bit awkward lately.
it went from really happy & exciting & loving to chaotic & weird.
my friends are sort of dividing for more reasons than what seems possible, and i guess the same goes for my feelings toward just about everything. sometimes i'm highly motivated and feel very in control, which is unusual for me, then other times i feel like my entire body is coming unglued from the last time i fell apart.
work is hard, school is easy. the two have me so off balance it's really beginning to throw me off course. drugs are fucking stupid and so is drinking and smoking and anything to do with any of that. i hate whoever does it, thus the reason i'm losing so many friends. i hate what they do to people, and how they make people act, and i hate the weakness in people that do it even more than the drug itself.
i hate how i'm angry at something all the time. i can't relax and that makes me even more angry. but the only thing that makes me feel a little better is the fact that it can't last forever. and in my case, it won't. whatever it is that's bothering me is going to be left behind me once i get my chance to break away from it all. seeing that that is the point of leaving anyway.
well i guess i'm done babbling for now.
i'm exhausted and mad at the fact i can't hang out with my valentine on tuesday. i will though, i will!
peace♥ |
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| my heart has thawed and still continues to beat |
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| 04:13pm 09/02/2006 |
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mood: lethargic music: bright eyes - june on the west coast
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i don't know how many people really read this. but here i go anyway..
i've been thinking. and i want to rewind back to this time last year. maybe a week previous to this. the one time in my life i felt completely whole. i met the funniest guy in the universe and totally liked him, dana and i were still friends and so excited for her birthday, my mother promised me to stop smoking & drinking [see how long that lasted..], taylor faye still lived here, and not even clouds could make my days sad or sorrowful.
in a way, it disturbs me that i so desperately want to be back in time, knowing what i'd still have to go through to get where i am now. and honestly, i wouldn't go through it again. it's been one of the roughest years i've faced as far back as i can remember. but i've faced an amazing amount of growth. and i am thankful for that, no matter how hard it was at the time. look at me, i'm ready to move half way across the country and leave everything i've wanted to hold on to.
but that's why i'm leaving.
i don't want to hold on anymore.
i want to hold onto myself,
and learn to need myself,
not what others offer me.
i want my friends to know i love them,
i want my father to know just thinking about what he's done for me makes me sick with guilt, because i haven't done anything to repay him.
i want my brother to know that i'm here, even though i'm not, because knowing what he's going to face as he gets older, there is no way i'd be anything but there for him.
i want my mother to know that she is about 75% of the reason i'm leaving, and i hope that makes her incredibly upset. but it won't. so i'm leaving anyway.
i want you to know i'll always be thinking of you.
and i wish you the best for the rest of your life.
peace♥ |
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| i'm caught in suspension |
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| 04:12pm 06/02/2006 |
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mood: chipper music: duh
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saaaaayyyy anythinnnnnnnggggg
but say what youuuuu meaaaaaan
hey guess what..
ahaha i wont tell.
:x |
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| To You Guys.. |
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| 04:07pm 18/01/2006 |
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mood: amused music: Weezer - Peace
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When everything is wrong I'll come talk to you
You make things alright when I'm feeling blue
You are such a blessing and I wont be messing
With the one thing that brings light to all of my darkness
You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do
There is no other one who can take your place
I feel happy inside when I see your face
I hope you believe me
Cause I speak sincerely
and I mean it when I tell you that I need you
You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do
I'm here right beside you
I will never leave you
and I feel the pain you feel when you start crying
You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do
You're my best friend
and I love you, and I love you
Yes I do
Yes I do...
Yes I do |
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